Everclear and Sunny

(Today’s blog post is part of the Blogging From A to Z Challenge during which writers all over the world blog each day in April based on a corresponding letter of the alphabet.  These are my personal stories about living with Trigeminal Neuralgia, the most painful diagnosis known to man.)

“Oh, another trigger?  And one that is virtually the bane of every person with TN?  Wind.” – Me, last Saturday

It finally happened.  The first true day of Spring.  Temps were in the fifties, the sky was impossibly blue and the air smelled clean and full of promise of warmer days ahead.

It’s the type of day we pray for in Northern Illinois.  Yeah, it could still snow again, and probably will, but these days are the sign that winter will soon be a memory.  And for me, the first spring day has always been celebrated by my own rite of passage.  I get in my car, roll down the windows, drive fast – make that really fast – and crank Everclear on my car stereo.

As I settled in behind the wheel, energized by the bright sun, it dawned on me.  I can’t drive with the windows down any more.  The wind blowing in is enough to put me on bed rest for the next two days.  Amping up the stereo also amps up my pain.  Sunglasses are out of the question as they rest on my aching cheekbone.

I was crestfallen realizing that another of life’s little moments of joy was ripped from me by a medical condition that has so profoundly impacted every aspect of my life.

“Not today,” I thought.  “Today I’m going to be normal.”  (Okay, I’ve never quite been considered normal, I just mean normal for me.)

As I headed down my driveway, I opened both windows, hung my left arm out onto the car door, cranked my Everclear and prepared myself for a possible speeding ticket.  And I sang.  Loudly.

Fuck you, Trigeminal Neuralgia.  Fuck you, Chronic Pain.  You, too, “Suicide Disease”.   Bring it on.  I’m ready.  I’m not going to alter my life for you right now.  Not today.  Today I just want to be me again, if only for a little while.