Guilt – The Only Trip I’ve Taken Lately

A to Z Letter G

(Today’s blog post is part of the Blogging From A to Z Challenge during which writers all over the world blog each day in April based on a corresponding letter of the alphabet.  These are my personal stories about living with Trigeminal Neuralgia, the most painful diagnosis known to man.)

Ah, guilt.  I’m so riddled with it I feel guilty for feeling guilty.  The rational side of me knows that sometimes I can’t make it to a family function or get to the grocery store.  But the other side of me, the side that’s worked since I was thirteen, that never missed a family event, that got stuff done is constantly whispering “not good enough” in my ear.  And then there’s the side (yes, that’s 3 sides – I’m a triangle) that knows I’m doing the best I can.

People with TN, or any chronic pain I imagine, are constantly in a tug-of-war between what we know we’re supposed to be doing and what we’re actually getting done.  I’m a worker bee, so not working has been really hard for me.  Yet I know if I was working, I’d be doing a lousy job.  It’s kind of a lose-lose situation. If someone says, “It would be great to see you this Sunday” my brain scrambles it and I hear, “You’ll really let me down if I don’t see you on Sunday”. (And honestly, sometimes I know that’s the truth.)

I can usually brush off the guilt fed by my perception that I’m not living up to someone else’s expectations.  I know that the people in my life have great capacities for forgiveness, even If I do disappoint them.  And, heck, I live alone, so nobody knows when I don’t take a shower or if I nap for four hours on any given day.  But I know.  The problem is, I can’t forgive myself.

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3 responses to “Guilt – The Only Trip I’ve Taken Lately

  1. upwardsofweirdness

    Guilt – the main driver for much suffering, mostly of the needless variety. The power it wields is mind-numbing, intoxicating, and difficult to dissuade. It has taken 42 years for me to grapple so well with demon Guilt, though I still haven’t won. I do, however, let him win less often and can fly the finger in his face more frequently. It’s a matter of knowing what is possible, in reality, and what is not always possible, also in reality, and not allowing yourself to feel even worse over something you cannot control, in reality. – Do you see a theme? 🙂

  2. Guilt is the worst kind of trip. I hope and pray that you can find some relief from it – give yourself that nap, take time to rest, and then make some goals that are reasonable . . . goals that make sense.

  3. We’re always our own worst critics, aren’t we? Lighten up on yourself, then tell me how it goes, so I can do the same. 🙂

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