A Place In This World

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(Today’s blog post is part of a continuing series of personal stories about living with Trigeminal Neuralgia  – the most painful medical condition known to man.)

I just returned from an extended stay at my dad’s house in Florida.  I went there for several reasons.  I wanted to provide some company for my father, who is having difficulty getting around due to knee problems.  I wanted a change of scenery.  I wanted to find a place where maybe my pain would be a little better.

I was two out of three.  My pain remained the same.  Chicago may have blustery winds and sub-zero temperatures that are hard for someone with TN, but the ever-passing fronts of weather in Florida doesn’t do us any favors.  However, it’s a lot nicer being in pain in seventy degrees than in seventeen.

I had a little trepidation about returning home.  One thing I realized many years ago is that I don’t really get too attached to any particular place.  I’m sort of a “wherever I hang my hat” kind of person.  I quickly got acclimated to my dad’s place without feeling like it was some foreign locale.  I was like that when I used to travel for business as well.  Once my clothes are in the closet, my pillows are arranged how I like them and a quick coming up to speed on the TV channels is complete, I’m pretty much at home.

But this time was different.  Returning to my little apartment wasn’t bad.  I like my place, although it’s getting too expensive to live here.  It has a good sized kitchen and more closet space than I’ll probably find when looking for a new home.  And closet space is of paramount importance.  My view is of a forest preserve, which is not only pretty but provides the safety of knowing no one can peer in my windows.  I vacuum naked sometimes.

My anxiety about returning to my place is that I really don’t understand what my place is these days.  Being unable to work has left me somewhat at sea with regard to who I am in the grand scheme of things.  I think for me that’s one of the biggest challenges with having a chronic illness.  What is there that provides me some personal sustenance?   I know I’m a good daughter and a good sister but beyond that, what can I grab onto that makes me feel I’m a part of the world?  That was a rhetorical question, please don’t send me recommendations.  This is the question only I can answer and as we transition from winter to spring, it is my goal.  I want to blossom forth with a new direction, a path, a plan to find my place.  Maybe it will be volunteering or attempting a part-time job (although honestly, I wouldn’t hire me).  Or maybe I’ll meet a special someone who will spark in me the momentum to move forward.  Don’t get me wrong, I do not think a romantic interest should ever constitute someone’s whole world or identity.  I’m just saying that finding someone supportive might influence me to be more assertive in my quest.  I would want someone to be proud of me, and laying on the sofa all day isn’t too impressive.

See that picture up there?  That is the closest representation I could find of my imaginary “happy place” – a type of calming image that therapists often recommend to help people deal with stress.  It reminds me of when I was in nursery school where there was a big goldenrod field that we would run through during recess.  I find myself thinking a lot about my happy place these days.  Oh, not the goldenrod one, but a more personal one. One that brings me back to when I didn’t have constant pain.  And one that I hope opens up in me the pathway to a happy place that is more steeped in reality than imagination.   In the meantime, I’m just going to keep looking at that picture.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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